It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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