Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
