the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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