Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
