you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
