The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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