I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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