Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
