my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
