Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He has the fingertips of a God
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
