Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
