my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
