I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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