Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
