i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
