Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
