Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?