Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
