I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
