the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
