And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
