Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
