I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
