I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Randomize
