i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
