I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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