I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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