you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
