I cut my penus on the lid.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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