That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
