Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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