i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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