I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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