Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
