Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
