I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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