I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
