Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
