You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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