All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
