can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
