did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
