Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
