Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
