what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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