omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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