I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
