I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
