Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
