I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
