god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
