I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
