I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
