The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
