I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My breasts were aching with rage.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Randomize
