it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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