U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
